Tylers (Very LONG) Christmas Letter

2009… where do I begin? This past year has been filled with joy and laughter – thanks to Brooklyn and Boston who never fail to entertain (Boston’s ghetto fabulous booty-dancing skills and Brooklyn’s crayola bumble bees / butterflies / flowers graffiti on the basement walls being the most recent examples!) – and another addition to the family… Taz Tyler Carlson, born 3/17/09. However, this year has also been filled with challenge and growth – thanks to the recession, too much to do and too little time and the transition from man-to-man to zone parental defense. However, life is a blessing and below are the “Mosts” of Carlson craziness in 2009!

The most anticlimactic event of the year was going in to have Baby #3 (sex then unknown) induced on March 16th only to spend 12 hours unsuccessfully laying siege to Amber’s womb with pitocin and then going home empty handed! However, after getting the doctor to actually come to the hospital and focus on getting the baby out, Taz arrived in style on St. Patrick’s Day and has been a mellow, happy tank ever since! He’s not a big fan of baby food, but when it comes to overpriced formula, fried rice, bacon or sausage he’s all in! He is a great baby, sleeps like a champ, is off the growth charts and is the apple of his mother’s eye.

The proudest moments of the year were Brooklyn riding the school bus all by herself to kindergarten at Bill Roberts K-8 and Boston starting Garfield Montessori preschool all by himself. Bix and Bos have always been connected at the hip so seeing them grow independently is very fulfilling. The highlight of my fatherly day is walking Brooklyn to the bus stop, talking about the weather, smelling roses and stomping ice along the way and driving Boston to preschool, telling him fantastic stories of him defeating monsters, dragons, alligators, evil witches, snakes, etc. with his sidekick Ryder and weapons of choice: light saber, sling shot and BB gun.

The most exhibitionist moment of the year was during our camping trip when Amber decided driving into the campsite was an ideal time to get topless! Granted, her intention was to feed the Taz monster but I was shocked nevertheless and nearly drove into a tree! Other highlights were finding an elk carcass (killed by a dinosaur – Boston; killed by a bear – Brooklyn), seeing Amber recall her 7th grade science class about conduction after melting her brand new running shoes on the fire ring and the kids managing to catch some monster trout, despite my complete lack of fishing skills (turns out you don’t need them at a trout farm… just a deep wallet!).

The most astonishing moment of the year was Amber pulling off a very surprise 30th birthday party for me in July. I really had no idea (not difficult when you’re oblivious to most domestic details!) and it was great to spend some time at the lake with family and friends – thank you for the years of love and support! Now I’m coping with the fact that, according to my brother Chase, I’m “one third dead!”

The most repressing moment of the year was transitioning Boston from warm and fuzzy Eastlake Montessori in Thornton to preschool boot camp at Garfield Montessori in Denver. Personally, I’m a fan of tough love so the no nonsense, they need to do everything for themselves, quiet as a library, everything-in-its-place approach is fine with me, but Amber’s not quite so sure! However, I must admit their nutritional Nazism goes a little far (as far as I can tell raw vegetables are the only acceptable lunch item!) and I’m boycotting any additional “mandatory” parent classes that tell me complimenting my kid disables their independence… Sheesh!

CENSORED: my original entry about ?????????? has been replaced with: The most physical moments of the year came when Brooklyn and Boston started their first season of soccer – they rocked the gear like pros but were a little timid / distracted on the field – Boston regularly quit games mid-swing because he didn’t want to miss out on treats on the sideline (heaven forbid Brooklyn actually eat one extra donut!) and Brooklyn seemed happy as a lark to just prance around the field, smiling and waving, oblivious to where the ball was actually located… There’s always next year I guess!

The most fun moments of the year happened at the lake where Brooklyn wakeboarded for the first time (standing on my board), Amber braved the rope swing and shot her first shotgun / clay pigeon (go super mom!), Boston was fear(ful)lessly rode on the tubes and Taz enjoyed chilling in the sun. My favorite was turning into the Swamp Monster with mud / cattails and terrorizing the kids!

The most tiring moments of the year were refereeing between Brooklyn and Boston. It truly is love/hate with those two… one moment they are inseparable, playing in their window well fort (complete with blankets, a roof, lawn chairs, toys and a space heater) and the next… “Boston threw a telephone at me!”, “Brookie says I’m not part of the family!” or Boston belting Brooklyn because she won’t play with him (is that how friendship works?). My other favorite is the Mystery Messer who magically appears, smashes Oreos into the carpet, colors on the wall, destroys the storage room and then vanishes… and the kids have NO idea who dunnit! Amazing!

The most “they did WHAT?” moment of the year was when I came home one day to find our tarp laid out neatly on the grass with the edges taped to the fence and every can of spray paint we own set out. Naturally, I thought Amber was doing a craft project but when I asked what she was doing I only got a disturbing, confused look. The details of how the kids managed to pull off a full blown Maaco spray paint operation to “paint mulch” (duh, dad) outside the purview of their mother remains a mystery, but the good news is they avoided the house and fence! Now if I could only catch the Mystery Messer who spray painted the inside of my garage!

The most disturbing moments of the year were Brooklyn telling us she learned on the bus that boys can marry boys (that was a fun discussion), Boston’s ability to dip anything (including grapes) in ketchup, Boston letting Taz suck on his big toe (YUCK!), Brooklyn deciding iCarly was her favorite TV show (what happened to Dora?), Boston wanting his toenails painted like the girls (his mom has blue for boys… ARGHH!), Amber teaching Brooklyn how to lay down in the shower with a washcloth over her eyes (how much does a 2nd water heater cost?) and Boston’s aforementioned uncanny ability to shake his booty ghetto fabulous style… go white boy go!

The most shocking moment of the year was discovering that Amber is pregnant AGAIN! (for those of you counting, yes it’s 14 months… holy #$%^!) Our fertility problem is the opposite of most (we’re now sleeping on different floors and I’m suing Trojan) but sometimes the Lord has plans of His own – ours certainly didn’t include another kid in 2010! However, it looks like we’re destined for another dynamic duo – Taz won’t be a solo artist – and now that 6th Christmas stocking that Amber bought 5 years ago is coming back to haunt her! So starting in May 2010 our lives will get REALLY crazy with the arrival of a new little baby GIRL. Heaven help us!

Love, Tyler, Amber, Brooklyn (5), Boston (4), Taz (9 mo) and ??? (are we being Punk’d?)