England - The Real Story

Friends & Family

Rather than a braggy, boring exhaustive list of everything we did in England - I have prioritized and listed below some of the most memorable crazy things that happened while across the pond... enjoy!

CRAZINESS LIST:
1. DELAY! Flight out of Denver was delayed an hour - as if it wasn't long enough already!

2. NEAR BRAWL! There was a huge line of cars waiting to exit the rental car agency and our two luxurious mini vans (packed to the hilt with bodies and luggage) were patiently waiting in this excruciating line when, all of a sudden, two punk black kids in a Crossfire pulled in front of the entire line right in front of us. This other english guy came up and yelled a couple of F bombs at them and then left. Then Chase, in an uncharacteristic act of aggression, got out of his van and stood in front of the punks, blocking them so they couldn't butt in front of everyone. This obviously enraged the punks and so they started revving their engine and actually pushing Chase with their bumper. BAD MOVE! Andrew, Nate and I immediately jumped out of the cars ready for a brawl. Its amazing how fast the adrenaline kicks in! My dad, seeing this all go down yells at the parking lot attendant to get over here to stop this from becoming Fight Club London and the guy runs over and yells at the punks and kicks them to the back of the line. VICTORY.

3. STREET FIGHT! Our first stop following the rental car encounter was Winchester Cathedral 45 minutes out of London. The cathedral was beautiful and afterwards a couple of us walked through the small town to see the sites. However, on our way back to the cars and in front of a pub was saw two guys yelling, punching and kicking at each other. It was like a scene out of Real TV or something. Next thing we know, before we or any of the other bystanders can intervene the local cops roll up, lights and sirens blaring and a Cops foot chase ensues with the two cops chasing the two fighters through the cathedral grounds, passing the oblivious couple making out on the grass, the group of goths hanging out and the skaters cursing at each other... what a scene!

4. CAR WRECK! Our first stop after the street fight was a truckstop of sorts with a bunch of fast food restaurants. Mind you, Nate and Andrew are driving on the wrong side of the road for the first time in years (both served wrong sided missions - Japan and England, respectively) and as Nate was pulling into our parking space, from the wrong side of the drive aisle, sitting on the wrong side of the car, he came a little too close to the car next to ours and he brushed their paint! Fortunately, it all pretty much wiped off after inspection, leaving only a minor scratch. Unfortunately, the elderly couple owning the car watched the whole thing go down! Nate was flustered, Dad nearly had a coronary and the couple, thankfully, were very cool about the whole thing.

5. JELLY NAZI! We stayed at an awesome bed & breakfast while in Bath, England and it was probably one of our favorite stops. However, during the breakfast portion of the B&B there was a very grumpy french lady who refused to part with the one jar of strawberry jelly for the whole dining room. Amber and I came to breakfast fashionably late and we asked the waitress for some jelly for our toast. The gal asked the nazi for the jelly since it was camping on her table and she said "I'm not done with the jelly", despite the fact she had already plowed through several pieces of jelly-laden toast and wasn't even eating at the moment. She finally gave up her precious jelly, which we quickly put on our toast, and then gave is back to her. Upon receipt she just took it without a thank you. I love the french. Then another person in our group, I think Tawny (also late) asked for the jelly as well. The same thing ensued - waitress asks for the jelly - jelly nazi freaks out and says she's not done - jelly lady relents angrily... etc etc etc... WOW

6. CENSORED! This item has been removed at the request of the FCC (family censorship committee). Any inquiries regarding the infamous park event should be directed to: skipcarlson35@gmail.com. Thank you.

7. SEX CHANGE CAPITAL! During one of our drives between towns we were summarily informed by the Skip that Trinidad, Colorado is the "Sex Change Capital of the World". We all disputed this fact and didn't really want to know how Skip knew this unsavory fact, but he was vindicated when we radioed my dad in the other van who confirmed Skip's fun fact. Note to self, take Trinidad, CO off the list of places I need to visit before I die!

8. THE TIGER! During this same drive my beloved nephew William Nathan - aka THE TIGER - demonstrated to the entire family an uncanny ability to replicate the yell of Chewbacca from Star Wars. It nearly brought Nate and I to tears knowing that he had an inborn predilection towards Star Wars and it was absolutely hysterical listening to him growl over the radio. We were even more surprised when Andrew was able to answer back to Will in Chewbacca, revealing a side of Andrew we had never seen before and officially ending his probation of entering the family - welcome to the family Andrew. Will and Andrew proceeded to talk Chewbacca over the radios for 10 minutes until we were all laughing so hard we nearly drove off the wrong side of the road.

9. LOCO GUIDE! In Oxford we experienced the Tour from Hell as a looney-toon local gave us a rambling 1 hour tour of the Oxford campus, filled with bad jokes, racism, nationalism and general incoherency... IN THE RAIN!

10. CITIZENS ARREST! While shopping in the celestial kingdom of handbags in London - Orla Keily - we heard a loud scuffle in the street outside. We peered through the windows and saw two guys in retail work attire physically holding a guy and girl up against the wall, all the while yelling at them and into radios they were holding. Turns out they worked at a shop up the street and they caught this couple shoplifting in their store. They chased them down the street and tackled them on the cobblestone and threw them up against the wall. WOW

11. CROSS DRESSED! While walking from the Admiralty Building to Trafalgar Square we came across a drunk cross dressed hanging out in a small park. I wish I could say this was a strange site but at this point in the trip nothing would surprise us, especially in London!

12. BLESSED! While riding the subway or "the tube" in London we were blessed by this cute but crazy older gentlemen who was rushing through the subway car, blessing everyone with a wooden cross. Just another day in London...

13. NO PHOTOS! While waiting to meet mom and dad in Piccadilly Circus in London we sat on a fountain and proceeded to watch this group of drunk, dangerous punks - sporting huge frohawks, piercings, colored hair, leather, beer, cigarettes, the works - yelling at anyone who took a picture of them and literally going up to people and intimidating them until they either deleted their picture or paid them 2 pounds - 4 dollars. It was amazing how much these guys freaked everybody out, although I must admit I didn't take a picture of them - it was too nice of an evening to risk a trip to the hospital or police station.

14. LEFT! While riding the subway home one night in London the rest of the group decided to get off a stop before our hotel and walk over the Thames River. I THOUGHT Amber and I had decided to just ride the train all the way home but upon reaching the previously stop, all of a sudden, my wife bolted out of the seat next to me and jumped out of the train with the rest of my family. Unfortunately, my reactions weren't quick enough and as I tried to follow her the subway door SLAMMED right in front of my nose and I had to wave goodbye to the rest of my family as the subway pulled away from the station - with my family and the people in the subway car laughing at my expense! "Tough luck mate!"

15. NO SUITCASE FOR YOU! Amber nearly got into a fist fight at the Heathrow security line because the chick letting people into the line wouldn't let Amber take her carryon with her because it didn't fit into the minuscule box they have to screen carryons. We tried explaining that these suitcases obviously made it over the ocean so they could probably make it back without a problem but this chick was a complete jerk and blocked us from even entering security. So we had to go back and check one of our bags, much to Amber's chagrin. Since we didn't want to have problems with my bag, because it had my laptop in it, we avoided the nazi chick and went through the first class line the second time around.

Okay, that it for now because I'm late for work but it was a VERY fun trip and we definitely recommend it to anyone who wants to see the sights and doesn't mind spending twice as much on everything as you should. DANG exchange rate!

Tyler