The Carlson's: April 2009

What the &*!% is going on with the weather?!? (yes, Tyler speaking.. in case you couldn't figure it out... ha ha)

Okay, so I know this is Colorado (original Cherokee translation: land of big mountain, horny sheep and schizophrenic weather) but is there a reason why we've gotten more snow in April than January - March combined? Either the End of Days is upon us and I really need to kick my food storage into gear or Al Gore and my local weather man are on crack!

To pass the time this EARLY frigid Saturday morning as I take care of the cute and cuddly BLACK HOLE of sleep, milk and time - TAZ - while my wife and kids snooze (no bitterness here!) I figured I would make a few confessions.... sorry for the length... I'm a bit bored!

Confession #1
I am a better coach than athlete! For many this won't come as a surprise given my superior coordination, motor skills and muscle tone! But it's true... I was much better coaching my siblings' and cousins' soccer and basketball teams (we actually won championships!) than I was a player... my motto: sheer aggression compensates for lack of skills! Just ask the kid whose leg I broke playing soccer. The same was true for wakeboarding... I was the first to learn in my family and was the one who taught my siblings' and now they are ALL better than me (yes, this unfortunately includes my sisters! OUCH). Not that I'm BITTER or anything but one of these days I'm determined to find a sport where I play better than I coach... but in the interim I'm at it again teaching my kids how to snow ski and, inevitably, they will be better than me!

Much thanks to Kent for sharing his magic kid-ski-teaching-stick... it worked wonders!

Confession #2
I thoroughly enjoy tormenting my children! In Breckenridge Brooklyn the Emotional and I discovered that Boston the Fear(full)less is terrified of snowcaves... he refused to more than peek inside the AWESOME snowfort that BC and I created. So I naturally attempted (unsuccessfully) to get him in the cave, with its resident snow monster of course, the entire time we were in Breck... much to his distress!

Confession #3
I love tough love! A couple of days ago I was trying to get the kids to put their scooters away in the garage ("trying" being the operative word) and Brooklyn the Emotional immediately and coincidentally discovered a MAJOR injury to her leg preventing her from scooting into the garage on her own accord. (BTW: this is a frequent occurance for BC... she has an amazing capacity for sustaining LIFE THREATENING injuries in the blink of an eye when under instruction, discipline or duress from her parents! Amazing!) I told her to get her butt in the garage or I was going to close the garage door and leave her in the alley... she of course Soviet-Style didn't blink/budge and instead focused further on her mentally-broken leg. SOOOO I, being the mischievous, tough loving father that I am, popped the garage door down a foot or two, escalating the standoff. HOLY COW! You have no idea the sheer chaos I created by moving that garage door 24 inches! Brooklyn FREAKED OUT and was immediately healed Lazarus-style and flew into the garage, scooter in tow. Boston, screamed his head off... SURE that I was going to permanently lock out his partner in crime, leaving him alone to fend with the Baby Black Hole. Nothing like a little tough love to motivate your children!

Confession #4

My wife is CRAZY! Members of the Craig family already know this well-documented fact, but it is absolutely true that my beautiful and fantastic wife is certifiably insane. Here's the evidence:
1. She would rather have rat poison than "crumbs" in her butter. Many a good tub of butter have hit the landfill for this offence... much to my chagrin! Don't even get me started on her manic Expiration Date Phobia!
2. She honestly has no idea why the batteries in her camera die weekly, despite the fact that she oogles, obsesses and zooms every picture via the LED, energy sucking screen on the back and Brooklyn regularly steals the camera for her own battery-efficient photoshoots... pics below!

3. She has a compulsive need to collect baby strollers! At this point we have a well diversified portfolio of single and double baby strollers from nearly every manufacturer in the world! I just wish they were appreciating assets!
4. She's having an emotional affair with our shower! Shocking... YES... but its true. After nearly 7 years of marriage I am fully convinced that my wife likes taking environmentally-UNfriendly long showers more than ME! If I can't find Amber in the house there's a 99% probability that she's on the floor of the shower, semi conscious, IN THE DARK draining the water heater and padding the coffers of the Denver Water Department! Is this normal?!?
5. She's obsessed over eye lashes! I'm not sure what childhood trauma created this unhealthy fetish over optical follicles but she is overwhelmingly insecure about her "short" (translation: normal) eyelashes and she's massively jealous of the kids' and my lengthy lashes! This personality disorder manifested itself in a costly fashion last week when she invested in some "medical" snake oil that promises to boost eye lash length! (I think she bought from a lady selling it out of her trunk on Colfax!) But, being the patient and loving husband that I am I've decided to roll with this insanity and not break her heart that this magic elixir (can you say Dumbo's feather!?!) is really water and food coloring... can you say P...L..A..C..E..B..O!

TC